He’s running out of time to salvage his legacy
Joe Biden, sometimes referred to as “Sleepy Joe,” finally surrendered his bony grip on power this week at the age of 82. Like most Americans, we’re glad he’s gone and don’t really care what he does next. But we’re still a little curious to see what Biden will get up to in the (likely very brief) final chapter of his life. Here are a few of the most likely outcomes, according to a Washington Free Beacon analysis. Enjoy!
Corpse
The obituaries have already been written and loaded up for publication. Cause of death remains to be seen, but our analysis expects it to be one of the following:
- Accidental crack overdose
- Dismembered by escalator
- Dog mauling (Commander’s revenge)
- Gunned down in the hood (Corn Pop’s revenge)
- Gunned down by Pelosi hitman
- Pecked to death by seagulls
- Chased firefly off cliff
- Sex heart attack
- Last person to die of cancer before Trump finds a cure
Inmate
Maybe he lives long enough to be convicted of one of his many crimes, or maybe he tries to drive a car all by himself and plows into a farmers market. Maybe he’ll get caught trying to hire a hitman to pop Crazy Nancy for ending his reelection bid, and the jury doesn’t buy the “elderly man with a poor memory defense.” In any event, it’s where he belongs.
Nursing home resident
Dr. Jill is going to want him out of the house so she can focus on her 2028 presidential campaign. She’ll want to find a place that is relatively quiet, maximally secure (he will try to escape), and that has a decent memory care facility with lots of fun activities. Joe will make a lot of new friends and get to watch a lot of CNN and MSNBC, as dementia patients are a core demographic that comprises the vast majority of their viewing audience. Hunter can visit every weekend and can teach him how to paint. He could even connect him with some anonymous oligarchs who are unusually fond of crappy art.
Reverse mortgage pitchman
This is something Biden can get paid to do right now, targeting people in his own age demographic and state of cognitive decline. He shouldn’t have to wait for someone else (Jon Meacham) to write a book for him explaining why (contrary to the available evidence) he won’t be remembered, in the words of Chuck Schumer, as “one of the darkest figures in American politics.” (He definitely will be remembered that way.)
International entrepreneur
The family business continues. The Big Guy paid his dues, now it’s his turn to taste that sweet, sweet honey.
Scientific experiment
He’s already spent the last four years being kept alive and alert in public through some top-secret drug cocktail. Why not see how much further science can take him? Can the human body stay alive without a functioning brain? Let’s find out! Military-grade exoskeleton technology substantially increased Hillary Clinton’s mobility and stamina during the 2016 campaign. It could work wonders for Sleepy Joe.
The greatest political comeback of all time
You know he wants to, and he might just give it a shot if he isn’t dead by then. The dream will never die.
