It’s that time of the year when red carpets unfurl, cleavage heaves and the academy recognizes and gilds the cinematic achievements of the year past.
The list of nominees in the Best Picture category is ten deep in 2025, including such sunny subject matter as murder at the hands of a brutal military dictatorship, incarcerated children, body dysmorphia, jilted sex workers and corrupt clergy members.
Giddy up.
The 97th Oscars will take place on Sunday, March 2, at 7 p.m. ET at the Dolby Theatre at Ovation Hollywood. It will be televised on ABC and streamed on Hulu.
If the zodiac signs themselves were winners in academy categories, we’d place our bets that Aries would win Best Live Action Short Film, as they go hard but not for long.
Taurus takes Best Production Design because they live to curate (cough) control an aesthetic agenda, Gemini is Best Adapted Screenplay as they are adept at manipulating other people’s messages, Cancer is Best Sound because, from the silent treatment to hysterics, they know how to play the decibel game.
Leo is main character energy incarnate as Best Actor/Actress in a Lead Role, Virgo with their unblinking judgment and thankless efforts are Best Editing; Libra, superficial — but very good at it — is Best Cinematography; Scorpio is Best Director because they are power hungry puppet masters/shameless oligarchs, Sagittarius on account of their love of pageantry, is Best Hair and Makeup Styling. Libra is cinematography because they’re superficial but good at it.
Capricorns, sluts for good tailoring, are Best Costume Design and Aquarius — with their pension for disappearing beneath masks of the literal and metaphorical variety — are Best Hair and Makeup Styling.
Last but certainly not least deserving, Pisces, with their wild delusions and limited attention spans, are Best Animated Short.
Now that you’ve been primed on the stars at their award show, read on to find out which nominated film matches each zodiac sign.
The Brutalist
Starring IRL Aries Adrien Brody, “The Brutalist” is an unflinching portrait of an immigrant architect living the post-war American Nightmare.
The film takes its title from an architectural style that favors bare materials and raw forms. As the first sign in the zodiac, Aries is made of a similar kind of bald, bold purity. With an unapologetic 215-minute run time, “The Brutalist,” in true fire sign fashion, dares its audience to look away or pause for a piss.
Better Man
Rulers of the second house of worth and wealth and very much in tune with their indulgent, animal nature, Taurus folk will appreciate the rise, plummet into excess and recover into riches trajectory of “Better Man.”
Based on the real-life of British artist Robbie Williams, “Better Man” casts Williams as a chimp with an inferiority complex and a sense of self that is dangerously tied to materialistic success, AKA the dark, hungry heart of many a bull.
Taurus is ruled by Venus, and nothing shows the underbelly of that influence quite like a filthy rich, emotionally bankrupt primate doing cocaine.
A Complete Unknown
Ruled by Mercury, no one wields or reveres the power and potential of the written, spoken, shouted, or electrified word more than Gemini. “A Complete Unknown” charts the rise and riotous sound of card-carrying Gemini Bob Dylan, played by Timothée Chalamet.
Dune: Part 2
Cancer is the sign of the familial and the divine feminine and Dune: Part 2 sees Timothée Chalamet’s Paul Atreides fighting to avenge his family while dealing with painful prophecies and the jarring, guttural sounds of incensed telepathic matriarchs with control issues.
Checks out.
The Substance
Ruled by the sun, vanity is Leo’s favorite sin and the lion pride doesn’t shy away from the spotlight, regardless of whether the glare hits their best angles or unseemly shadows.
In-kind, “The Substance” is a hyper-vivid, unapologetically brutal tale of the lengths and depths one woman is willing to go in pursuit of being seen and celebrated.
I’m Still Here
Starring real-life Virgo Fernanda Torres, “I’m Still Here” tells the true story of Eunice Paiva, a mother and activist whose dissident husband disappeared during the military dictatorship in Brazil.
Emilia Pérez
Libra is the sign of aesthetics and equity and “Emilia Pérez” tells the dizzying tale of a talented lawyer contracted by a cartel kingpin who wants to undergo gender-affirming surgery.
Libra themes of the curative properties of beauty, the hypocrisy of politics and restorative justice championed by the least likely of advocates are central to the story.
Nosferatu
Scorpio lords over the eighth house of sex, death and other people’s resources, and Robert Eggers’s “Nosferatu” is a dark homage to that unholy trinity.
Summoned to settle the estate of a mysterious Count, a man leaves his fragile wife to the psycho-sexual influence of an undead entity.
Phantasmic orgasms, low-octave confessions of eternal love and new meaning of death throes ensue.
Nickel Boys
Sagittarius is the sign of undaunted optimism. Ruled by Jupiter, planet of hope and good fortune, archers tend to believe that the worst is over, the best is yet to come and resoluteness is the path to progress, a belief made manifest in Elwood, the brilliant protagonist of “Nickel Boys,” RaMell Ross’s adaptation of Colson Whitehead’s 2019 novel of the same name.
Conclave
Starring IRL Capricorn Ralph Fiennes, “Conclave” is a political papal thriller that pits religious officials against each other for the high position of pope. Capricorn is the sign of paternalism, tradition and rising to the top by whatever means necessary, a recipe for religion if ever there was one.
Wicked
Aquarius is the sign of the enigmatic outsider and there has never been a more thoroughly misunderstood protagonist than Elphaba Thropp, played in green glory by the incomparable Cynthia Erivo.
The brilliant, illegitimate daughter of a corrupt ruler, Elphaba, is motivated by Aquarian themes of social justice and the cessation of persecution and is unafraid to go against the grain of the ‘good’ in pursuit of what is true and right.
Anora
No one can get behind an unconventional romance quite like Pisces. Directed by IRL Pisces Sean Baker, “Anora” follows the fated neon meet cute and subsequent marriage between the son of a Russian oligarch and an exotic dancer from Brooklyn.
It’s an off-the-rails fairy tale that includes the very Piscean musing, “Love doesn’t look like this. It’s supposed to feel better than this, isn’t it?”
Anora also = Pisces, as this sign is the most likely to get on board the glitter train of the movie’s tinsel hair trend.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
