Eliza Becker, a 27-year-old from Wollongong, recently shared a video on social media discussing what she refers to as “girlhood FOMO” — the fear of missing out on the close-knit female friendship groups often portrayed in media.
Even though she posted the clip in a moment of vulnerability, hoping to connect with others who might be feeling the same way, she was taken aback by the overwhelming response from thousands of women her experience resonated with.
It shows that she’s not alone, with the sad phenomenon overwhelmingly striking women in their 30s.
“It was a Friday night, and I had just wrapped up a really busy week at work. I felt proud of what I had accomplished and wanted to see some friends, have a drink, and unwind,” she told news.com.au.
“I messaged a few friends, but they were all busy, and my partner was out, which left me a bit disheartened.
“I often feel this way, and it has led me to do many things on my own — which I’m perfectly okay with — but it’s just times like this that you’d appreciate company”.
The illusion of the core friend group
Friendship in your 20s and 30s doesn’t always mirror the cast of Friends or the Instagram highlight reels of your colleagues’ weekend recaps, which can leave many women feeling as though they’re not “doing” adulthood right.
“I think as girls, we are often made to believe we need a group,” Ms. Becker says. “We’re constantly told about the importance of ‘girlhood’ and having a solid circle of friends to talk through life issues and relationships with”.
“The media plays a role in this, but I think we often misinterpret the message. They showcase the best parts — the parties, brunches, fun times, and shopping — but the reality is that there would have to be arguments, jealousy, and bitterness in situations. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
“So, while I sometimes feel like I’m missing out on these connections and memories, I have to question whether it is something I truly need or if it’s being projected onto me by others.”
Ms. Becker described herself as a “floater” in high school, as she mingled with everyone but never quite fit into one particular group.
Now, she has a handful of close friends she’s met through shared interests like sport and travel, rather than being part of a singular “girl gang.”
Overall, she said she’s content with this but can’t shake the feeling that she’s missing out on something.
Why is it so hard to make friends in your 20s?
Rachel Harker, a clinical psychologist and founder of the soon-to-be-launched friendship and dating app, Tribal, says that this feeling is incredibly common among women navigating adulthood.
“Life transitions, like career changes, relationships, and moving cities, can disrupt traditional friendship structures, leaving many women feeling disconnected and isolated,” Ms. Harker explained.
“Unlike classic FOMO, which is about missing out on events, girlfriend FOMO runs deeper, and social media plays a role in this.”
Curated feeds of girls’ trips, lunch dates, or group selfies can intensify feelings of exclusion and loneliness, triggering the feeling of being an outsider or missing out, she said.
She also mentioned that loneliness is not just an emotional challenge but a health crisis as well.
“Young adults are among the most affected, with research showing that chronic loneliness is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day,” Ms. Harker noted.
In 2023, the World Health Organization declared loneliness a pressing global health threat akin to smoking and said that the pandemic only made the issue worse.
Statistically, young adults are those who are the most affected by loneliness.
According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, one in four people aged 15-24 reported feeling lonely in 2022, compared to fewer than one in five among those over 35.
Finding connection in adulthood
“I think the issue of struggling to make friends is a global phenomenon,” Ms. Becker reflected. “I’ve lived in London, and it was similar — everyone has an established group, and many don’t feel the need to introduce a newcomer or have the same desire to meet new people.
“A lot of it comes down to humility. It just takes one friend to invite a new person to dinner, go for a walk, and include them in their activities for a new friendship or connection to form.”
She believes that if people had just a bit more understanding of this issue and were more open to making the first move without worrying about being turned down, it would be “a lot” easier to make new friends.
“I also think it’s harder for authentic, genuine people to find their spot, as many around us are just going with the flow of others who may not be completely aligned with them personally.”
Ms. Becker admits she’s still trying to figure out what she wants her future friendships and social life to look like, but she knows what she wants in friends — and it’s not just a big group for the sake of size and convenience.
“I want connections with my people — those who are effortless to be around, truly care, and are authentic,” she concludes.
For anyone experiencing girlhood FOMO, she offers one piece of advice — enjoy your own company first and always fill your cup up before filling others.
“Someone commented on the video, “Rejection is protection. Enjoy the solitude’ — I liked that.”
