A federal judge in Washington DC has attempted to block the president from deporting illegal alien members of a murderous Venezuelan prison gang. No, really. President Trump had the planeload of tattooed murderers flown off to El Salvador, citing the Alien Enemies Act of 1798. The act, passed by the American founders, allows the president to summarily deport illegal alien rapist murderers but only in the unlikely event a mean-spirited corruptocrat suffering from dementia should one day become president and allow said murderers to cross the border in droves at the behest of anti-American leftist conspirators while the media pretends it isn’t happening because the only book any of them has ever read is by a communist named Howard Zinn who believes the United States should never have existed in the first place. The founding fathers were nothing if not far-sighted.
However, federal District Judge Rufus T. Shnooklepuss declared that Trump did not have the authority to deport illegal aliens who are members of one of the most violent gangs on the face of the earth, and ordered that the gangsters’ plane be immediately returned to the United States or, failing that, an alternative group of alien gangsters should be found to replace the ones who were deported, or, failing that, an equal number of American gangsters should be taught to speak Spanish and armed with guns and axes so that the crimes the Venezuelan gangsters would have committed do not go undone.
Judge Shnooklepuss told the administration, “It is absolutely outrageous that a group of perfectly innocent illegal aliens should be accused of being violent gang-members on the basis of no more evidence than the screaming skull tattoos on their eyeballs and the t-shirts bearing the words ‘I joined a Venezuelan prison gang and all I got was this lousy t-shirt plus the $15,000 I collected from apartment dwellers outside of Denver after their landlord fell off the roof in seven different pieces.’”
The judge continued, saying, “These gangsters came to our country to build a better life for themselves and their families by doing the atrocities American gangsters won’t do. And it is completely unacceptable that the president should simply toss them out on the basis of an outmoded 18th century law we no longer respect or follow like the Alien Enemies Act or the Constitution. This is not a country of crinkly old laws passed by men who wore wigs and wrote with feathers. This is a new, woke, modern country of 4,000 page laws that no one including the Supreme Court has ever read but which are enforced by unelected bureaucrats in agencies that never should have been created in the first place but can now never be destroyed because, after all, that’s the law or might be the law if I had time to read it, but I’m too busy re-reading this great book by Howard Zinn.”
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Administration officials said they wanted to obey the judge’s order but they could not demand the deportation jet to return right away because the Alien Enemies Act does not mention jets and so they weren’t sure the jet fell under their authority. The officials said they had tried to check the wording of the law but a Secret Service dog had eaten it and while they were chasing the dog around the White House trying to get the law back, the jet entered international airspace so that the pilots were now only allowed to speak Esperanto. And before officials could locate an Esperanto-speaker, the jet landed in El Salvador where the gang-members were duly processed into the local prison and then given a decent Christian burial.
Democrats scheduled a protest march against the deportations to take place right after their protest march against the administration’s ban on child sexual mutilation, and right before their protest march against cutting waste and fraud, and possibly in conjunction with their protest march against closing the border from an invasion of unvetted illegals, which was to be followed by a meeting to discuss why Democrats are so unpopular nowadays.
President Trump could not be reached for comment because he was busy brokering a ceasefire in Ukraine, an effort which a federal judge in Washington DC has declared unconstitutional.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).
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