Everyone’s hustling to get it
Life is get. Get a friend. Get education. Get a diploma. Get a purpose. Get a job.
Try: Get a bank account.
Next: Get your nose done, hair done, nails done. Get your morals under control.
More try to: Get a date. Get a mate. If you live in the woods and none’s available, try an unemployed lumberjack.
Want a baby? Get pregnant, get larger apartment, get diapers, get a crib, get a rattle, get some sleep, get a doctor.
Terrible twos: Get a babysitter, get toys, get patience, get whythehell you got pregnant.
Child: Get a kindergarten class, get transportation, a tutor, a schedule, a lunch box, find some way to try to recharge your mate. First, wake him up.
Preteens: Get them new clothes, get a cellphone, get to the parents of the kid who bullies your kid, get crazy, get pills for whatever problem, get a sitter.
Teens: Get an orthodontist, a skin doctor, a piano teacher, a nearby dance class, get frank sex talk, get the kid a new wardrobe, get another way to recharge your mate, get your teen a driver’s license, get a mechanic after your child gets a driver’s license, get a lawyer after your child gets a driver’s license, get a vacation.
Kids off to college: Get another tutor, get a school, get transportation, get books, get housing, get him/her a roommate, get a second one because he/she didn’t like the first one.
Kids like sports? Schlep them to baseball, football, paddleball, don’t forget the eight ball they’re putting you behind.
Teach: No stealing, no drugs, no lying — unless, of course, it beats your stealing and lying.
Sex: Website OMGYes.com teaches what you should know. If you’re an advanced student, help out your mother.
Thoughts: Even if you’re not an advanced student, help out your mother. More thoughts: Even if you’re a dumb cluck, help out your mother.
Wedding: Get that you have to pay for it. Honeymoon: Get that you have to pay for it.
Marriage: Consider your husband like he’s a poodle. Teach him bathroom manners, let him out once in a while, keep him on a short leash, feed him, praise him (“Good boy, good boy”).
Divorce: Get that you — not the kid — has to pay for it.
Lawyer: Get that you — not the kid — has to pay for it
Second wedding: Get smart. It starts all over again.
Romance: Sudden attraction to yet another being is really a not so great idea. Get over it.
Reading: Get books on Romeo and Juliet, Mark Antony and Cleopatra. Stay away from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Also maybe Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky. Not sure but, maybe, also Barack and Mrs. Obama.
Get a grip on yourself. Life is a series of gets — get it?
LaLa Land of love
And what is Valentine’s Day in Hollywood?
He gets his own coffee. She gets to sleep late. The kids cry. The housekeeper’s got her own husband’s problems.
The agent says she got the part. The friend says his girlfriend’s not pregnant. The son says his girlfriend’s not pregnant.
The chauffeur stays home because his girlfriend is pregnant.
The realty agent calls that there’s finally a buyer for their expensive house.
And to all you dodo heads out there — send your mother roses.
Not only in New York, kids, not only in New York.
