Friendship in America is in steep decline: We’re more disconnected from each other than ever, and the gulf between us is only growing. Does it matter?
It does. We know that friendships are good for us.
People with stronger social interactions live longer than those without, according to a study published last week in the UK’s Nature Medicine journal. Living with a partner, for example, is as good for physical health as regular exercise, researchers found, and having non-related friends to confide in also extends lifespan.
Loneliness is a silent killer. A US surgeon general’s report from 2023 found it as dangerous as smoking, “associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death” — while upward of 60% of Americans feel lonely on a regular basis, surveys have found.
Along with the impact on personal well-being, the trend is dangerous for America itself. A nation that lacks interpersonal relationships is a lower-trust society, more prone to crime and unrest.
The loss of friendship is measurable, and can be seen in every age group and demographic — although working-class Americans look to be hardest hit.
In 1990, few of us reported having no close friends at all: just 2% of the college-educated and 3% of high school-only graduates. By 2024, however, according to the Survey Center for American Life, that number grew to 10% for those with a college degree and a whopping 26% for those without.
In 1990, 49% of high school grads reported having at least six close friends; now it’s just 17%. Americans with college degrees experienced a similar but less steep drop.
The reasons aren’t clear, but it may be that colleges have become more of a social experience than an educational one over the last few decades. Kids apply to schools that are a “good fit,” thereby putting them in contact with people similar to themselves and making lasting friendships.
We’ve long pondered why the marriage rate, and the corresponding birth rate, has plummeted in America. Answers often focus on financial stressors: Young Americans can’t afford a home like their parents could at their age, some speculate; others blame limited parental leave or poor day-care options.
Perhaps — but the corresponding slump in close friendships doesn’t add up. People can still afford to make friends, can’t they?
The COVID-19 pandemic restrictions accelerated the trend of living our lives online — and it appears friendship has followed.
The early internet united people according to common interests, helping real-life relationships form. For a time, in-person blog events were well-attended — we “knew” each other online, but meeting in person was important.
But today, social media is no longer social. We now carry mini televisions with us wherever we go and spend our time watching videos in isolation. Socializing is very much an afterthought.
In 2018, a Pew Research Poll found that teenagers who were connected with their friends online were more likely to also hang out in person. By 2022, in-person outings for teens had collapsed.
Can their online friends fill the role that real-life ones once did? Maybe — if those “friends” even exist.
Last year one study found a full 25% of young adults “believe that AI has the potential to replace real-life romantic relationships.”
The media is normalizing this sort of thing: See last month’s New York Times feature on a married woman who had fallen in love with her ChatGPT. The sub-headline read, “And yes, they do have sex.”
No, they most certainly do not have sex, because there’s no “they” in the equation.
The notion of the mostly online life has gone too far already. We shouldn’t celebrate someone sitting at home talking to her AI and falling in love with, well, herself.
Now’s the time to put a stop to this damaging trend. Societal change happens slowly — and then all at once.
The replacement of actual friendships, first with online-only “friends” we never see and eventually with bots who tell us what we want to hear, threatens an utter transformation of human society — and we shouldn’t keep heading in this direction without thinking through the consequences.
It’s up to each of us to shore up America’s weakening social fabric. Let’s take ownership of this accelerating problem, for our personal health and for the nation’s well-being.
It isn’t rocket science: Seek out so-called “third spaces,” places other than your home and workplace, to connect with people.
It isn’t easy to make new friends as we grow older, but even something as simple as becoming a regular at a local coffee shop or attending services at a house of worship will open the door to friendly new faces.
We can also head it off in the next generation. Help your kids and teens take their friendships offline. Make it easy to maintain their social circle in person by hosting and encouraging real-life socializing.
Most importantly, lead by example: Make friends, see them in person — and resist the temptation to live your life on your phone.
Karol Markowicz is co-author of the book “Stolen Youth.”
