You know, between the rapid pace of news events these days and the ubiquitous proliferation of media outlets, it’s very easy to get so overwhelmed with information that you lose your focus and let your mind drift to meaningless side issues like whether if you continually rewind “The Housemaid” so you can watch the Sydney Sweeney sex scene over and over, it will somehow show up on the feed so your wife will find out when she goes to watch one of those movies she likes where none of the women even takes her shirt off so what the hell’s the point.
I’m sorry. What was I talking about?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you can lose your focus — and not even realize that you don’t really understand the issues in play. So now and again, we here at the Daily Wire like to take a moment to try to explain to you some of the important subjects that we ourselves know absolutely nothing about.
For instance, President Trump says the economy is doing great, but polls show that many people disagree. So today we want to try to unpack the principles of economics so you can answer basic questions, like who’s right, who’s wrong, how the hell should I know, and why can’t you people just leave me alone?
Economics is a science, like pinball or craps. The word comes from the Greek root “omics,” meaning “something you read in the newspaper that is so ridiculous it makes you laugh.” That’s the same root that gives us words like “comics,” and “New York Times opinionomics.”
Now, here at The Andrew Klavan Show, we know that some people in our audience are functionally illiterate, but the rest of our audience can only aspire to being functionally illiterate, so in order to explain the principles of economics in the simplest possible way, we’re going to take you through an ordinary day in the life of an economist.
Ordinary economist Wolfgang Startle wakes up a little after 6:00 AM. He opens the shades in time to see the sun cresting the eastern horizon. “Oh my God,” says Wolfgang Startle, “what the hell is that?”
“That’s the sun coming up in the morning,” says Mrs. Startle.
“Wow,” says Wolfgang. “That’s surprising. Yesterday, I predicted that artificial intelligence would cause the moon to turn to blood while the sun refused to shine. So this development is very unexpected.”
Soon after, Mrs. Startle puts breakfast on the table. “Whoa!” cries Wolfgang Startle. “Are these fried eggs? I did not see that coming.”
“But I make you fried eggs every morning,” says Mrs. Startle.
“Yes,” says Wolfgang. “But last week, I predicted that Donald Trump’s tariffs would drive the price of eggs up way beyond what we can afford, so this is completely unexpected.”
An hour later, Wolfgang Startle arrives at work at the Wall Street Journal, where he’s greeted by his editor, Hyman Panic. “I’m sorry, Wolfgang,” Panic says. “I’m going to have to let you go, because every single prediction you make turns out to be wrong.”
“Well, this comes totally out of the blue for me,“ says Wolfgang Startle. “I predicted that Trump’s anti-immigration policies would cause a minor rise in unemployment… for some reason… but now my unemployment is unexpectedly at 100%.”
And just wait till you see how startled Wolfgang Startle is when he gets home, because he did not predict that Mrs. Startle would unexpectedly run off with the guy who writes the horoscope pages for the New York Post, after she discovered that his predictions were more accurate than Wolfgang’s, so he still has a job.
I hope this glimpse into the daily life of an economist has given you a better sense of whether you should believe Donald Trump when he says the economy is great, or your wife when she tells you she had to sell the kids for rent money.
The important thing to remember is that whether you vote for Trump’s Republicans or for the people who want to reduce America to dust while destroying every vestige of our prosperity and freedom, you can never be totally sure about the future, unless you read the horoscope page in the New York Post.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.
The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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