Three words strike fear in the heart of any man: “I faked it.”
But if you asked the average guy, he’d swear up and down that no woman has ever faked it with him. Not his ex, not his situationship, not even that one girl who suspiciously “finished” in record time.
Sorry to shatter some illusions, guys … because we do. A lot.
And, plot twist: we’ve got no one to blame but ourselves. Stick with me here …
For years, I thought I was doing the right thing. Stroking his ego. Making sure he left the bedroom feeling like a sex god. Forgoing pleasure because I was too busy making sure he was having a great time.
But then it hit me: I’d stopped enjoying sex – and it was all my fault.
Case in point: I was with a guy who, bless his heart, was not that great. No rhythm, no finesse — just a lot of grunting and thrusting. And yet, there I was, making all the oh-my-God-you’re-blowing-my-mind noises like he was the most extraordinary lover. (Give the girl an Oscar!)
By the time it was over, he looked so chuffed with himself. And why wouldn’t he? I had practically handed him a standing ovation.
And because I’m nothing if not committed to the bit, later, when he texted to say how much fun it was “to make me, well … you know,” did I take the opportunity to gently correct him?
No. I doubled down: “Yes, you do it so well.”
Narrator: He did not do it well.
If you’re wondering what kind of performance I put in, think “When Harry Met Sally” — that infamous diner scene where Meg Ryan loudly demonstrates just how easy it is to fake it.
And much like Billy Crystal’s character, my guy had no clue he’d just been duped.
And if I’m being honest, this wasn’t even an isolated incident.
I once had a guy stop mid-thrust to ask, “Why are you holding your boobs like that?” A fair question, considering I had unconsciously been arranging myself into the most flattering angles to make sure my breasts looked perky — like some kind of human push-up bra, instead of, you know, actually enjoying the sex.
I wasn’t focused on what felt good. I was focused on looking like I was having a good time.
So, how did I get stuck in this (pardon the pun) position?
Well, somewhere along the way, we women were taught that good sex isn’t about our pleasure — it’s about making men think they’re giving us pleasure. Hollywood taught us that if we look sexy, the sex must be sexy. That if we sound like we’re having the best orgasm of our lives, we’ll magically start having the best orgasm of our lives.
Spoiler alert: We won’t.
Sure, we can blame porn for a lot of this. It’s fed men the belief that women should be writhing in pleasure within three seconds of penetration, that orgasms are loud and theatrical, and that foreplay is optional. But here’s where it gets messy: We’ve gone along with it.
Instead of saying, “Actually, this monotonous jackhammering is boring me,” we’ve been doing our best Meg Ryan impressions and letting them believe they’re smashing it out of the park.
Sadly, women have been conditioned to be pleasers to avoid awkward conversations, to stroke egos, to “just get through it” — rather than demand better.
But where has that gotten us? Frustrated. Unsatisfied. And forgoing one of life’s greatest pleasures: the orgasm.
No wonder so many of us turn to those magical vibrating wands from time to time. It’s the only thing getting us off.
So, what’s the solution?
It’s saying toodle-oo to our engrained “people-pleasing” traits and refusing to fake it. If it’s bad, let it be bad. If he asks, be honest — but obviously in a way that invites improvement, not humiliation. (This is not a time to be blunt!)
It also means focusing on how sex feels, not just how it looks. A quick poll of my guy friends told me that they don’t care about good lighting or a jiggly thigh; they’re just stoked that you’re there with them having a good time.
Turns out the best sex happens when you’re in the moment, not when you’re anxiously wondering if your stomach looks flat or if your boobs are perky enough.
It also requires a shift from men. And here’s the good news — most men want to be great in bed. But they aren’t mind readers.
The easiest way to know what a woman likes? Ask her. And when she gives you feedback, actually listen. The guys who take feedback and get better are the ones who deserve the standing ovation.
I, for one, have officially retired from my bedroom acting career. No more Oscar-worthy performances for mediocre sex. And, trust me, after the first time a guy truly blew my mind — because I actually taught him how to — I was left wondering why I ever wasted time faking it in the first place.
So, ladies, let’s start actually enjoying ourselves.
And leave the acting to Meg.
