Democrats have hired a consultant in reputational restoration to help them bring their party back from the political wilderness into which it was recently tossed like an empty Big Gulp cup thrown from the window of a speeding 1987 Chevy Camaro.
The reputational restoration expert is named Vladimir Impalier. His pronouns are woo and hoo, and woo identifies as a Questioning Nonbinary Demigirl with sidelines in interior design and sensual massage. Le Grand Impalier, as he’s known to his friend, was most recently employed to engineer Meghan Markle’s comeback, as well as to secure the Kansas City Chief’s legacy with a third straight Super Bowl win, which he arranged by replacing the Chief’s offensive line with store mannequins so there’d be more men free to serve as downfield receivers for the late Patrick Mahomes.
The Daily Wire arranged an exclusive interview with Impalier at hoo’s private recreational vehicle, during the final hour of overnight free parking outside Baltimore’s famous Hustler Club.
Speaking through a fragrant cloud of marijuana smoke laced with the stimulating scent of Eau So Adorable perfume for tweens, the reputation master told us, “I don’t like to brag, but yes, it was I who orchestrated the Democrats’ reaction to Donald Trump’s recent speech to congress. Notice how I had all the women dress in pink because, well, I love pink so it served as a personal expression of my unique inner reality. Indeed, I wanted to have the Democrat men dress in pink as well but they refused because they thought it would make them look like a bunch of queers — which, strictly entre nous, would not be entirely in-appropos. But say no more.
“My next masterstroke was to equip the Democrats with these absolutely adorable little signs on which were inscribed cute Candy Heart-style messages that would convey their very stern disapproval of Mr. Grumpy Trumpy’s plan to Make America Great Again like the boorish yet strangely alluring brute that he is. Though I say so myself, I thought it was an especially elegant touch to make the messages on the signs so small that the audience had to lean in very close to read them, which would reveal just how very deeply they care about what Democrats have to say. Nobody actually did lean in to read them, of course, but nonetheless the potential effect was very powerful until it was spoiled by that peculiar little man with the walking stick who kept shouting who knows what until he was removed from the chamber — thank God, since he was absolutely ruining my otherwise fabulous tableau.
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“Finally, it was I who came up with the inspiration to have the Democrats keep their seats and refuse to applaud even when Trump was announcing a secure border, or new businesses coming into the country, or the strengthening of our police and military. The most delicious moment was when some depressing little boy with cancer, who wanted to be a police officer or some such thing, had his dreams fulfilled by being accepted into the Secret Service. Everyone else in America was crying and applauding and carrying on, but I had the Democrats just sit there stony-faced to prove that they would not give in to some craven desire to win voter approval by expressing kindness or humanity or common decency. By following my expert advice, the Democrats showed the world that they are not just people waving unreadable little signs while dressed in pink for some reason. No, these are men and women of principle who will never abandon their pretense of being morally superior to the countrymen they despise, but are dedicated to destroying everything of value those countrymen built through blood and toil over the course of centuries. I don’t know how America cannot be moved by such a show of commitment.”
Impalier says woo will continue to guide the Democrats’ reputational comeback by hiring as many as ten or fifteen people to show up at their protests where they’ll chant such inspirational slogans as “What do we want? Fraud! When do we want it? Now,” unless the protest is being led by Maxine Waters, in which case there’ll just be a lot of incomprehensible raven-like squawking, and the protestors will be paid time-and-a-half.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground,” is now available. His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).
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