Robber barons take NYC
Humans exist in this country who speak with foreign accents. They’re from such alien territories as Utah and what sounds like “Arizona.”
OK by me because I am known to be welcoming and kindly.
Leaving behind their grass shacks, hungry sheep and lonely buffalo, they waft into the New Land — New York City.
Gone are their itsy communities, friendly locals, cheap steaks, buggy landscapes and crap coffee. It’s now land of the free, home of the knave.
Our last estimate listed nearly 20 million crowding our metro area. Arrivals actually have 11 people in their whole town. We have more than that in one men’s room.
We’re a most expensive city. Taxed city. Crowded city. Dirty city. Scary subway. Housing costs. Overcrowding, crime, creative politicians. And that’s our good stuff.
This greatest place in the whole world has basically become kindergarten. Arrivals come here with nothing, from nothing.
Even those who are already here, foreign imports even from alien territories like South Dakota and wherever’s a place called Montana — here is where they learn.
Jump a turnstile. Cop a bicycle. Sue the city. Rob a store. Grab a handbag. Lunch in a soup kitchen. Steal a phone. Screw the city. Sleep on the sidewalk.
Do drugs. Smoke cannabis. Possess weapons, harass neighbors, bike the wrong way on a one-way, try little small theft, try big larceny, disturb the peace, vandalize, fight with an authority, stiff your landlord, fake a painting, organize marches, cop a cop’s car.
Harass, trespass, jump another subway turnstile. Take a paycheck without showing up. Steal stuff off a drugstore shelf. Exist in this country without speaking English. Or reading English. Or understanding English.
Go to jail where at least you’ll be warm. Run for office because nobody cares you’re a crook-in-waiting. Loiter because you won’t know what that means anyhow.
New York City is kindergarten. Spitting, peeing, panhandling, conning, stealing is OK. The new arrivals have learned their craft.
Quick learners, they have followed the career path of some politicians — so it’s fie on hustling hairgoo or whatever other part needs greasing. It’s winter. Cold.
Then, when fully educated, and at the age where our DA Bragg (the DA stands for Dumb Ass) honors them with flowers — they become Florida citizens.
Comes now Palm Beach. After accumulating enough money from heisted merchandise they move southward. It’s always Florida. Land of alligators and snakes.
A newcomer’s arrival now is to have late dinner at 4:30, bid on paintings made with Crayola and drive the car for the leftover aging widow. If she doesn’t want to be leftover at certain hours — hey, this is what’s called overtime.
Back in New York City, greatest place on Earth. Forget the $90,000 college tuition, books, roommate apartment.
The training: It’s us. We’re the recruiters. Shove Yale, Harvard, NYU — we are the training ground. Forget books. Study crooks.
Busy city. Former mayor who’s been on trial, former governor who got booted. But everybody comes here to learn. We’re the kindergarten of life.
New York, New York. The Bronx is up and the pols are down.
