You know, every now and again, I like to call “time out” on all the divisiveness and anger that threaten to tear apart the very fabric of our society by over-emphasizing the irreconcilable differences that sometimes spring up between American patriots… and Democrats. Sure, the patriots want to restore the founding principle of a federal government limited to those few powers enumerated in the Constitution, and the Democrats want to gut the very body of our Republic and then swarm over the hollow corpse of its former greatness to devour the shredded entrails of our freedom as if the Democrats were really just a bunch of maggots — even the straight ones — and God knows there aren’t that many of those.
But really, when we stop and think about it, there must be many things that all right-thinking citizens have in common … with Democrats, who clearly want to see the flickering flame of liberty swallowed by the grotesquely globular mass of an ever-growing bureaucracy, which squats feeding like a monstrous leech on the stolen riches of hard-working bread-winners and creative superior minds in order to sustain its parasitic existence long enough to watch the ennobling inheritance of struggling centuries reduced to the feculent discharge of its insatiable hunger for power.
So for instance, let’s just for a moment, split the difference between the opinions of decent everyday Americans and the glowering demonic forces of the left, and try to take an unbiased and objective look at some of Donald Trump’s efforts to make America great again, and the Democrats’ efforts to, you know, stop that from happening.
For example, in the wake of the disaster that has reduced Los Angeles to rubble and ashes, Trump has proposed that all the people who live in that area should be resettled in neighboring countries while L.A. itself is cleaned up and turned into the beautiful resort God obviously meant it to be. No, wait, sorry, that’s Gaza. No, that’s Los Angeles, right? No, no, it’s Gaza. It’s Gaza. Sorry, that was just wishful thinking on my part. Maybe we should move on to another topic.
Let’s instead take a look at Trump’s attempts to trim waste from government spending and rein in the bureaucrats who have essentially replaced the will of the American people with whatever lunatic Stalinist whim comforts them this week for the perennial failure of every single one of their ideas and policies.
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The leftist argument against this was best stated by a federal judge appointed by Barack Obama whose ruling states, “You can’t take our money. We stole that money. Now it’s our money. Get your hands off our money. Money, money, money.” Bernie Sanders, the senator from the state of unwavering socialist conviction in the face of unrelenting socialist misery and murder, added that billionaires and millionaires should pay their fair share of Sesame Street programs in Iraq, transgender opera in Colombia, and transgender surgeries in Guatemala to provide more sopranos for the transgender opera in Colombia. Sanders said he was going to ask The Count from Sesame Street to calculate exactly what that fair share is, but unfortunately the Count was too busy sucking the lifeblood from the western infidel.
Donald Trump has also proposed making Canada the 51st State, in order to produce the first openly non-binary governor in black face who’s also the secret child of Fidel Castro, because that would be hilarious. But Democrats oppose this delightful plan, pointing out that Canada has progressed beyond America by having free universal health care, which helps our economy by forcing sick Canadians to pay American doctors to please, please treat them at exorbitant prices before Canadian doctors kill them for free.
Finally, Donald Trump has proposed that we take over the Panama Canal so we can import the weapons we need to take over Greenland from which we can destroy the Chinese navy and take over China to stop the production of their new Artificial Intelligence chip DeepSeek. DeepSeek is against these actions and has proposed to send an unstoppable android back in time from the future in order to terminate Trump’s mother. The Democrats have offered to fund DeepSeek’s efforts with millions of American tax dollars, and expect you to pay your fair share.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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