DEAR ABBY: How do I tell my friend “Lila” that I think she’d be happier if she got divorced? To be clear, I don’t think her relationship is unsafe — it’s just unhappy. Things have been rocky with her wife for a while now. They keep trying to work things out, but every few months, something new comes up or becomes a problem again.
Lila cares deeply about her wife. She really wants to make things work, but I constantly hear she feels neglected and unattractive because of how her wife treats her. I’m obviously only hearing half the story, but it seems like Lila is putting in all the effort to make the relationship work, and her wife isn’t responding in kind.
Part of the problem may be that Lila is introverted and doesn’t have many friends besides her wife and me, which may be why she clings so hard to that relationship. I think both of them would be happier if they stopped trying to make the marriage work and went back to being friends, but I don’t know how to tell Lila that, or even if I should. Please help. — LISTENING IN MARYLAND
DEAR LISTENING: Stay out of it. Lila needs a friend and a sounding board at this point, not a life coach. If her marriage is as dysfunctional as you have described, she will figure out sooner or later whether it’s time to “dial it back” or to end it. Understand that when divorces happen, most couples don’t “go back to being friends” unless there are children involved.
DEAR ABBY: I chaired an event with a local service organization. Many hours were exhausted with planning and decorating. During the program, a few members playfully started throwing some items from the centerpieces at the guest speakers. By the end of the program, most of the room’s centerpieces were dismantled and on the floor.
My committee had the job of cleanup, which was difficult and tedious. We felt the many hours we spent planning and doing hard work were disrespected because of these juvenile antics. This was an end-of-year program, ringing in new officers and celebrating a wonderful previous year, and there are always some lighthearted shenanigans. But I’ve never experienced total chaos before. Should I say something or chalk it up to celebrating a successful year’s end? — FLABBERGASTED IN TEXAS
DEAR FLABBERGASTED: Were these lighthearted members drunk or just disorderly? “Lightheartedly” destroying the centerpieces and throwing parts of them at the speakers? How disrespectful to everyone involved, not to mention potentially dangerous!
I don’t think what happened should be ignored. By all means, speak up. You and the other committee members are certainly entitled to let the perpetrators know how it made you feel. You’re not the only person who is flabbergasted. So am I.
DEAR ABBY: What can I buy for Christmas for my brother who is terminally ill with cancer? Nothing seems right — not music, books or any of the things he has always enjoyed. I’m at a loss. Any thoughts? — SADDENED IN OREGON
DEAR SADDENED: I am so sorry about your brother’s diagnosis. The surest way to give him something he will enjoy would be to ask him what he would like. His activities may be diminished, but he can point you in the right direction.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
