DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been taking care of my father-in-law for four years — getting his groceries, going to the bank, picking up prescriptions and doing different tasks. He’s disabled and lives in an upstairs apartment with no access to getting downstairs. He can’t walk, bathe himself or get in and out of bed by himself. He has hired a nurse to get him in and out of bed every day. Because we live 30 minutes away and we both work, there is no way we can manage this.
My father passed away recently, so I’ve also been helping my mom. All of this has put a strain on our marriage — I’m going one way, and my husband is going the other, plus my father-in-law has complained that I’m not coming over. I have tried explaining to him that I can’t be in two places at once.
Our 25th wedding anniversary is coming up, and we have told both of our parents we won’t be coming over that weekend and will be cutting back to every other weekend so we can spend time together. To our dismay, we got pushback, with comments like, “Well, you see each other every night.” We tried to explain that by the time we get home, eat and do the dishes, there isn’t much together time, and definitely not enough for a day at the park or something.
Do you have advice on how to handle this? We want to continue to help but we need our time too, so we thought we had suggested a good compromise. — BURNED OUT IN WISCONSIN
DEAR BURNED OUT: Is there anyone else who could be helpful to your father-in-law, who now seems isolated from everyone but you and his son? Are there any relatives or friends of his and his late wife who could visit him? If the answer is no, someone from your religious community or your local area agency on aging might be able to help.
You and your husband appear to be loving and generous people, but you must put the health of your marriage higher on your list of priorities and not permit yourselves to be guilted out of it.
DEAR ABBY: A close friend, who I also work with, agreed to attend a paleontology exhibit with me approximately six months before the exhibit was scheduled to open. We were both excited about it and talked frequently about how much fun it would be to attend together.
About a week after it opened, I was unexpectedly out of the office for a medical emergency, and my friend attended the exhibit without me. Am I wrong for feeling upset? She keeps telling me to get over it and is not being understanding at all. Am I overreacting? — BOTHERED IN THE EAST
DEAR BOTHERED: If the exhibit was finished before you were able to go, you shouldn’t blame your friend for seeing it. If, however, the exhibit was still on, I can’t blame you for being upset that she went without you. The question now is, is this worth ending a friendship over? (I hope not.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
