The Honorable Matt Walsh, self-described as the “wisest, fairest, most just and most handsome judge in the world” is back to hear two more wild cases on “JUDGED by Matt Walsh.”
This time, the Daily Wire podcast host gave his thoughts on two strippers who once shared a sugar daddy and a housecleaner scandalized by a house full of stuffed dead animals.
“JUDGED” documents real-life cases of people who have been mildly inconvenienced. These petty disputes land at Walsh’s feet, and he rules on each case with his deadpan, no-nonsense delivery that’s both wise and hilarious.
The first case of episode three features a woman suing her friend for backing out of a planned out-of-town trip for the purpose of exotic dancing. The plaintiff, Chloe Abadi, claims the friend owes her for outfits, stripper heels, and dance classes she paid for, plus travel fees. But defendant Gabby Goldstein insists she backed out of the trip after finding God… again.
The two women met because they both had the same “sugar daddy,” or a man who pays for younger women to spend time with him or provide sexual favors.
When the defendant said she originally stopped stripping because she “found God,” Walsh asked, “You found God. But then you suggested stripping to your friend. So at what point did you lose God?”
“Well, when I remembered that I made so much money,” she replied.
“Really inspiring conversion story,” Walsh said. “St. Augustine ‘Confessions’ comes to mind.”
The wise judge seemed skeptical that Goldstein once again felt God speaking to her amid the stench of cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana in the strip club.
“I have found this time with you both to be deeply depressing in so many ways that I can barely articulate,” Judge Walsh said in his verdict. “This is a difficult case. Not because I’m having trouble figuring out who was right, but because I’m having trouble figuring out who is the most wrong. There is no one right here.”
“There’s no hero in this sad, sad tale,” he continued. “Miss Goldstein, prior to hearing this case, I would have thought that the worst thing a woman could do to her friend is convince her to become a stripper. But you convinced your friend to become a stripper and then abandoned her once she followed your suggestion. So it’s a bit like leading her to the poison Kool-Aid and while she drinks it, you have a glass of water instead.”
Walsh concludes by saying the correct decision would be to sentence both women to spend two years in a monastery to “learn discipline, moral virtue and self-denial,” but barring that, he sent them home with nothing besides the directive to “get the hell out of my courtroom.”
The second case was scandalous in a totally different way. A house cleaner sued her friend for the balance she said she’s owed after leaving the cleaning project undone. The plaintiff Ash Asauskas said she found a closet of stuffed animals and was chased out of the house by a dog.
Asauskas described the property as “the most disgusting house I’ve ever seen in my entire life” and provided Judge Walsh with photographic evidence.
“We have a tetanus kitchen here,” Walsh agreed, asking for an explanation of the dead bird in the sink, which was allegedly being saved for being “pickled” later. Asauskas said she was eventually forced to leave because of the aggressive dog.
When it was time for defendant Aubrey Ropiecki to speak, Walsh said, “The first question I have is, what the hell?”
Ropiecki tried to defend her hobby, saying “friends” helped her get “ethically sourced” dead animals to preserve.
“So your friends are bringing you roadkill?” Walsh asked.
“I have good friends,” the defendant replied.
“I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use to describe them,” Judge Walsh said. “How’d you get into this hobby?” he asked next. “What possessed you? Are you possessed?”
After listening to Ropiecki justify her “art” and showing him examples, including a chicken foot, Walsh made his opinions known. “I’m not much of an animal lover myself, but if I was a chicken and I died, I wouldn’t want to think that this is what has become of me,” Judge Walsh mused.
In his final verdict, the judge suggested Ropiecki get a new hobby. “Scrapbooking, gardening, literally anything besides handling rotting corpses,” Walsh suggested.
Look forward to more exciting cases on the first season of “JUDGED by Matt Walsh.” New episodes will drop weekly on Tuesdays, exclusively on DailyWire+.
See you in the courtroom.
