A Danish comedian is speaking out about celibacy, revealing that it’s been more than 8 years since they had sex.
Sofie Hagen — who is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns — says it’s now been so long since intercourse that they fear it is off the cards forever.
“Right now, as I write, I haven’t had sex in 3,089 days,” the 35-year-old declares in their forthcoming book “Will I Ever Have Sex Again?,” excerpted in The Guardian.
“I do want a sex life. I want a happy, healthy, joyful sex life,” Hagen writes, revealing they lost their virginity at 16. “I would, in theory, like to have sex. I have a sex drive. I like orgasms. I like being touched.”
However, Hagen suddenly stopped being sexually active at the age of 27, despite a desire to continue getting hot and heavy.
The comedian candidly claims unresolved “trauma” means they can no longer bring themselves to physically have sex.
“I sign up for dating apps and swipe ‘Yes, please’ to anyone who feels safe, which is, let’s be honest, not that many,” they write. “Sometimes, I get a match. I will open strong. They reply and … a wave of discomfort overwhelms me. My abdomen feels tight, I start to sweat, my eyelids are heavy and I don’t want to have sex any more.”
Hagen goes on to reveal that they have been processing a sexual assault that occurred in 2008.
In a harrowing excerpt from the book, Hagen explains that a male acquaintance forced them to have intercourse, despite the fact they repeatedly told him “no.”
The comedian initially dismissed the incident because they were intoxicated and subsequently agreed to go on a date with the man.
“It wasn’t until much later, when I began to reframe the night in question as ‘rape’ instead of ‘drunken sex’, that I began to feel stupid for agreeing to a date with my rapist,” Hagen writes.
Processing the trauma led to celibacy and, after years without sex, Hagen started to feel ashamed, believing it was unusual for someone in their 30s not to be getting steamy between the sheets.
“I was afraid that I would discover that I was alone in this,” they heartbreakingly write. “That I was a bit of a freak. And that I am very broken, in a very specific way, which would prove to be both unfixable and unrelatable.”
“Then, on a whim, I posted on social media: ‘Hey, I feel like there is a big obstacle between me and sex. Can anyone relate?’ Within 48 hours, I had received 1,800 responses from people of all ages, genders and backgrounds from all over the world and realized that even though none of us had the exact experiences, trauma plays a big part in everyone’s stories.”
The responses have inspired Hagen to break down the stigma surrounding celibacy for young people, and unpack how unresolved traumas may impact our behavior.
The comedian also reveals that “underlying insecurity that comes from an entire lifetime of fatphobia” is another trauma that has potentially had an impact.
Hagen declares “I love my fat body” but admits to be being “s–t-scared” of f intimacy, rejection and not being desirable to potential sexual partners.
Additionally, coming out as non-binary has been another issue for the comedian.
“How do I have sex without all the gendered sexual scripts?” they ask. “Not to mention my queerness – or rather, my being a 35-year-old queer person who has only ever slept with cis penises.”
Hagen feels hopeful that there will be sex in the future, but has ruled out doing the deed with a stranger, saying they want to feel safe, comfortable and valued.
“If I am ever to have sex again,” they write, “that is the kind of sex I want.”
