Here’s a crucial, yet often overlooked, truth about being and keeping healthy: people with few and loose social connections are more vulnerable to disease.
You hardly have to be a physician to understand why: The human body is a complex organism, and because we’re social animals, to be fully healthy and robust our bodies need us to enjoy the warmth and reassurance that can only come from being surrounded by people who love us and care about us, and whom we love and care for in return.
Which, as another very divisive election is upon us, means we have a very big problem — it’s hard to keep connected to other people when half of the country, roughly, believes one thing and the other half its exact opposite.
All available data suggests that the split is very real and that it has very real impact on our daily lives: According to a 2020 Pew Survey, nearly 80 percent of Americans now have only a few or no friends who support the opposite political party. That same year, a YouGov-Economist poll found that most Americans were unwilling to date across the aisle. It’s not hard to imagine that the sentiment has only grown stronger since.
How, then, might we survive this election without succumbing to alienation, loneliness and despair? How might we get past November without losing our most meaningful social bonds with family and friends?
A few practical ideas come to mind.
The first, and extraordinarily effective, way of dealing with political differences is not dealing with them at all. I’ve had several patients who successfully resolved to make their homes a no-politics zone — or at the very least bar all political chatter during dinnertime, say, family gatherings, or other occasions for potential friction.
This may strike some as avoiding the problem and hoping it’ll go away, which is precisely the sort of repressive behavior we mental health professionals like to caution against. But it’s not, largely because social media has now penetrated every single corner of our lives.
Observe, for example, how many people you know who take their smart phones with them to bed, and spend their last waking moments each day scrolling through a torrent of partisan outrage that only further affirms their biases. Marking a portion of daily life as out-of-bounds for the outrage machine isn’t putting our heads in the sand; it’s removing it from the nonstop churn of technological platforms that intensify our darkest emotions for fun and profit.
But not all of us are going to succeed in not talking about politics all the time, which is where a whole new strategy is needed. If you find yourself in a political argument, with the decibels rising and tempers running short, here’s one first-aid measure to apply right away: establish common ground.
Look the other person in the eye and, calmly and lovingly, state all the positive things you know to be true about them. This is going to sound something like this: “I know you’re a very smart person, I know you’re well intentioned, I know you care about this country and its people very much.” This isn’t paying lip service; it’s a crucial reminder that what we’re having — what we ought to have — is a loving discussion, not a cage match.
Next comes the hard part — listen. Really. Truly. Not to gather more intel for a crushing rebuttal, but to understand what the other person is saying. Because, although you may not realize it, by spending a lot of time online, there are very, very few political positions that are truly indefensible, irredeemable and unforgivable. The rest may be complicated and challenging, but take the time to understand them and you’re bound to grow closer to the other person.
This means you shouldn’t see yourself as the star of your own cable news show, judged by your ability to score points, but as a person engaging with a loved one with empathy and curiosity, favoring tact and regulating emotions.
How? That’s a tricky question to answer, but you’d do well to take one terrific piece of advice from a woman who knew a thing or two about arguing politics: Eleanor Roosevelt. Small minds, she said, discuss people; average minds discuss events. It takes truly great minds, however, to discuss ideas.
And so, rather than excoriate the appearance or personality trait of this candidate or that, or even quibble about events — what happened when and why — try to unleash the greatness within and talk exclusively about ideas. “What do I believe?” is a much more profound question than “What did so-and-so say on TV?” It’s likely to lead not only to more profound answers, but also to far fewer arguments.
These bits of advice all share one common theme: Learn to look at the bigger picture. Politics, as practiced in our age of rancor and rapid response, tends to make us lose the forest for the trees. It helps to take a step or three back, look around, and remind ourselves that the things we have — a supportive family, a loving spouse, a good friend — are far more precious even than the most profound political disagreement.
Laura Braider, Ph.D., is a psychologist and assistant vice president of college mental health and the Behavioral Health College Partnership at Northwell Health.
