Joe Biden’s reelection campaign is hiring a director of diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI). It’s an exciting opportunity for someone to earn a $120,000 salary doing what they love—if what they love is “creat[ing] and implement[ing] DEI-focused workshops for management and other staffers in service of educating and upskilling campaign staff on the DEI space and specific initiatives.”
The DEI director’s duties will include reviewing the Biden campaign’s “hiring practices and outcomes to ensure diverse talent is represented and successful in candidacy at all levels of the campaign [emphasis added],” which reads like a heavily lawyered invitation to ignore the disclaimer at the bottom about “equal opportunity.”
Because we share the Biden campaign’s unwavering commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion, we’d like to recommend the following six candidates for the position of DEI director. You’re welcome!
1) Sonia Sotomayor
A wise choice. Democrats really want the 69-year-old Supreme Court justice to quit her job this year so they can avoid another Ruth Bader Ginsburg disaster. A six-figure salary for a nonsense job could be a nice incentive, plus we’ve already got a replacement picked out.
2) Kamala Harris
If Sotomayor takes the gig, Harris is the perfect choice to replace her on the Supreme Court. If not, she’s the perfect choice for DEI director—or some other nonsense job that doesn’t require actual talent or charisma. Anything to get her off the ticket.
3) Claudine Gay
She used to be president of Harvard—the ultimate diversity-themed nonsense job for talentless bureaucrats. Now that Gay has gone back to being a regular professor at Harvard, she’s only earning about $880,000. Adding this DEI side hustle would let her sustain the millionaire lifestyle she deserves.
4) Elizabeth Warren
The first woman of color to teach at Harvard Law School knows a thing or two about diversity and would presumably be good at spotting the frauds attempting to boost their careers by pretending to belong to a Native American tribe or some other “marginalized community.” Game recognizes game.
5) Pete Buttigieg
Democrats probably don’t even count gay white dudes as “diverse” anymore, and Buttigieg would be an admittedly boring choice. Still, the former McKinsey consultant is well-versed in corporate H.R. bullshit and the well-intentioned insanity that brought you words like “Latinx” and “Latine.” The sooner he realizes he’s never going to be president, the better.
6) Ismail Haniyeh
Foreigners are legally prohibited from working on political campaigns in the United States, but that doesn’t seem very progressive. Biden could bend the rules just this once to land an experienced leader whose values align with the Democratic Party base. The Hamas chief has assembled an impressively diverse coalition of supporters within the United States, and he will presumably have more free time after most of his family was killed in Israeli airstrikes.
